New beta-reader

Yesterday, I got the following PM from Literotica.com:

Just read Sister Has a Plan. Totally awesome story. I loved the nursing.

I replied back:

I’m glad you liked it. I’ve always liked stories with breastfeeding in them.

I’m working another brother-sister story. Would be you interested in reading it over and giving me feedback?

The person agreed and I sent him the current version of “Cruise Doubledate With My Sister”. This morning, I did what I hope is the penultimate pass on the first part of the story. I’ll wait for comments from the new beta-reader, finalize that part and send it off to my editor.

Advertisements

A scene I’m cutting out of “Cruise Doubledate With My Sister”

Here’s the scene:

Once in the cabin, Rebecca asked me with a saucy smile, “Shall I give you a show?”

“Please.”

I started singing the stripper song. Rebecca kicked off her shoes then turned her back to me and made a circle with her cute little ass. She turned back to face me, reached behind her to unsnap her bra, then reached through her shirt sleeve to grab it. She slowly pulled it out of her shirt and tossed it aside. I had my shorts and underwear off and stroked my cock as she stripped for me. She slowly pulled up her shirt, revealing her toned stomach. When the bottom of her shirt reached the bottom of her tits, she spun around. As she shook her ass, she slowly pulled her shirt above her shoulders and then over her head. In high school, she had played a lot of sports and had also water skied. Her back still had good muscle definition.

Rebecca dropped the shirt down so that it was covering her tits. She twisted to looked back at me so that I could see her shirt-covered tits, then spun around to face me. I kept singing the same few bars over and over again as I stroked in rhythm. She pulled the shirt back and forth in front of her tits and then gradually dropped it down so that I could see her tits. They were large in proportion to the rest of her body and were a fine size me to fondle and suck.

Rebecca spun around again and put her hands on the counter that a TV was setting on. She did some big circles with her ass in time to the song. Her body was thin with her chest, waist and hips were all about the same size. She reached backed and slowly slid her shorts down her legs, revealing bright blue cotton French-cut panties. After she had kicked her shorts aside, she looked over her shoulder at me. “Like what you see so far?”

“I love it.”

The strip tease wasn’t long enough or stimulating enough to make me cum. It was long enough and stimulating enough that stroking my cock was giving me a lot of pleasure.

She grabbed the counter again and did some more big circles with her ass. She reached back and slowly slid her panties down, revealing her firm, cute ass. I kept singing even though my voice was getting tired. She made the descent of her panties last twice as long as her shorts, then she kicked them aside as well. The only thing she was wearing now was a chain around her neck with a cross on it. All but her arms and legs were very white because she always wore one piece suits. She stood upright and twisted her upper body to look back at me. She looked straight and then twisted a little more, exposing more of her body to me. She made bigger and bigger twists until finally I could see all of her naked front.

She gave me a big smile, then bounded over and jumped into my arms. She was so light that I easily held her off the ground as we kissed.

“That was wonderful.” I wanted to tell her that I loved her but when I had told her a few weeks ago that I loved her, she had gotten very defensive and had told met that though she really liked me, she didn’t love me. “I wish we could do more.”

“They’re probably wondering what’s taking us so long as it is. We have the whole cruise.”

That’s the way it was with Rebecca – she would do what she was willing to do and no more. Asking for more just made her angry. We got out our swimsuits and started putting them on.

The scene happens shortly after Thomas and Rebecca board the cruise ship. In this part of the story, I’m trying to establish that Thomas loves Rebecca but Rebecca is having problems with the relationship. This scene does nothing to advance that, so I’m cutting it out.

3/18 Writing Status

I sent the second half of “Cruise Doubledate With My Sister” to my beta-reader gunter99. He is the only beta-reader to respond to the first half. If you want to beta-read the story, post a comment, send me a PM through literotica.com or send me an email.

Time to do the final buffing of the first half and then send it to my editor. I’m going to try to submit two stories for the Summer Lovin’ contest on literotica.com, so those will probably be the next stories that I publish after “Cruise Doubledate With My Sister”.

Head hopping

Headhopping refers to writing where the point of view whips back and forth between multiple characters within a scene. I joined a discussion of it on Literotica here. That discussion was about an article here.

I think head hopping offers a lot of advantages for erotic stories, primarily that the reader can experience the sex from both participant’s point of view. A story that does a great job of that is Family Night Ch 01. In that story, the mom is reluctant and the son is determined, so it was very interesting for me to see the seduction from both points of view.

I haven’t used head hopping in my stories. I’ve stuck to one point of view for the whole story or chapter. The primary reason for that is to me, incest stories are like a mystery – is the other person interested having sex with me even though it’s taboo? The Quarterback’s Little Sister is a good story with a lot of head hopping, but the head hopping makes it clear that both the brother and the sister are hot for the other and that it’s only a matter of time before they fuck. To me, it takes a lot of the sexual tension out of the story.

“Cruise Doubledate With My Sister” is narrated by the brother Thomas. It will have a big section that is narrated by his former girlfriend Rebecca. Originally, I had Rebecca tell that information to Thomas and his sister Caitlin after Thomas and Rebecca had sex. The problem with that was that it was basically a long speech that was kind of an afterthought. I created a new scene well before that where Rebecca goes through all the same thoughts. By doing that, I think I foreshadow more effectively Thomas and Rebecca getting back together. And because it’s Rebecca’s thoughts, I could put some stuff in there that explain the final sex scene that I wouldn’t have been able to if it was Rebecca telling Thomas and Caitlin the same information.

3/2 Comments for the week

I got two comments this week, both on Sister Has a Plan:

#karma

I have no idea what that means.

This was beautiful, so loving and clean,no orgy or freak show but true love she had for him.i hope you are still on this site and writing another such as this

A nice comment that motivates me to write more. I hope to get a similar story done soon.

News on the latest story:
* The good news is the editor I have been using is up for editing my story
* The bad news is that none of my beta-readers have responded yet and my six attempts to find new beta-readers got no responses

I’m building a list of changes I want to make the story once I get some comments back from the beta-readers. The list is right now:
* Use “scrawny” instead of “skinny” when describing the main character
* Change the all four comment from Caitlin
* Make sure that the reader knows that it is April
* Change last two dozen shoes to last dozen
* Change their last night to “Instead of the Rebecca”
* Use “improbable” for the 100% comment
* Give Rebecca bigger tits

I should have done one or two more passes on the Part 1 before I sent it out for beta-reading, but I had reached the point that where I was burnt out on working on it.