Both on Cruise Doubledate With My Sister:
Liked it, but…
…I liked it, but I’d probably have liked it a lot more had Caitlin and Thomas ended up together. I didn’t harbor any grudge against Rebecca, but Caitlin and Thomas seemed much more comfortable and compatible together, if you discount the social taboos against their relationship.
Yea I agree with AcornArmy it was good but would have been better if Thomas and Caitlin had ended up together. I mean I can see why I may not have worked out, but I also see were it would have worked. My favorite story on this site is one of the ones you wrote although I can’t remember the name right now.
Ps. If it’s not to much trouble to ask is there anyway you could write a ‘What if’ were things go differently and Thomas and Caitlin do end up together in the end.
What I wrote in response:
I think Rebecca and Thomas are a better fit. Caitlin and Thomas discussed extensively the challenges in continuing their relationship. Logistically, it wasn’t going to work.
If I was going to have Thomas and Caitlin wind up together, the story would have been different. I would have had them have sex on the last night of the cruise. Then the next morning, Caitlin would have said something like “There has to be a lot of banking jobs in the Boston area. I’ll be submitting my resume when I get home. You wouldn’t mind me living with you temporarily, would you?”, Thomas would respond with, “Not at all. I think I’d enjoy it, in fact.” and then roll credits.
I just can’t imagine someone joking about their spouse having sex with someone else. It’s pretty common in the stories on LitE. I read a couple of examples recently:
“Ok, it happened after a work party. One of Levi’s co-workers was a woman who Levi always had the hots for. I’d always rib him on how much he wanted to have sex with her but it was always more in jest.”
“So, let me get this straight?” I heard as the shower door opened and my naked wife slipped in behind me. “A petite redhead, soaking wet, her nipples flashing you, was stuck on the side of the road. And all you do is fix her flat? No reward for the chivalry? No gift for saving her from the the dangers of being out in the rain?”
I know when she is digging deep and when she is being coy… This was definitely the latter.
“Yep, poor me, defender of the helpless, a savior of the people” I kind of stuttered that last part as one of her hands circled my cock and the other cupped my testicles. Stroking me her hand moved from my balls to my ass, slowly circling my rear.
“You know, I just might have to give you a one-time pass the next time you rescue a damsel in distress.” Her breath under my chin, her breasts leaning against my side. “Especially if that damsel just happens to be bearing a couple million in gifts.” On that last point her fingers massaged my prostate and I exploded.” Three hard blasts hitting the wall, and a few more dribbling down her hand.
In the second case, it would be a stay-at-home wife joking about her husband having sex with a new co-worker. If the husband ran off with the new co-worker and divorced the wife, it would be economically devastating to her. The thought of that wouldn’t put me in a knee-slapping mood.
Went from almost 23K words to over 28K words. Incorporated lots of feedback from my beta-readers. Just need to buff it up and send it off to my editor.
I’ve gotten feedback from a number of beta-readers. The conclusion I’m taking is that it’s a good story overall; is fine for the first 2/3’s and the ending, but the stretch getting to the ending needs to be improved. In addition to a number of small clean ups throughout.
I’m starting to crank in the changes. The most embarrassing is that I used “laid” instead of “lie” for a character lying on a bed. Which they do a lot in the story.