I created a thread for the extended author’s notes in the Story Feedback forum on LitE like I always did. An admin moved it to the Editor’s Forum. I sent a message to the site owner asking her to move it back. Instead, she moved the thread to limboland where no one can read it and hasn’t communicated with me. She’s very friendly and helpful except when she isn’t.
Note: These are extended Author’s Notes for a story that hasn’t been posted yet. I’ll provide a link to the story once it is posted. Until then, I suggest you don’t read this as it contains lots of spoilers.
The story behind the story
My beta-reader TM sent me a story idea:
|Disneyland/Disneyworld vacation. Brother & Sister are raised by a single mother who works long hours as a corporate lawyer. She plans a week long family trip to Disneyland/Disneyworld, but due to last-minute commitments from the job has to delay her participation by a couple of days and sends the brother & sister ahead, where they have a Disney theme hotel room all to themselves and full run of the park(s) during the day. The mom feels guilty and consequently lets them put whatever they want on her credit card, and calls them every night to say that she won’t be able to make it the next day, but will hopefully arrive the day after–but ends up missing the entire week. The sister gets a makeover as her favorite Disney princess (Cinderella? Jasmine? Belle? Sleeping Beauty?) at the Bibbity-Bobbity-Boo shop. The cast members treat them like boyfriend and girlfriend, and over the course of the week they fall farther and farther in love. They make out on all the dark rides (Pirates of the Caribbean, Haunted Mansion, Peter Pan), the sister flashes the brother on the final drop for Splash Mountain (“Flash Mountain”), and they enjoy a major kiss together during the fireworks on Saturday night. They watch movies from their childhood at night in the room and talk about which prince and princess they want to be.|
I wrote back:
|The challenge is to come up with why a brother and sister decide to get together. In all my stories, the brother and sister are isolated in some way. In my latest, it’s because they are both working long hours and they are living together. But there has to be something that attracts them to each other, something that gets them to thinking about crossing the line. Why do the brother and sister at Disneyworld start acting like a couple? What gets the ball rolling? What prompts them to take the next step and the next step?
An idea I had this morning that I’m still playing with:
* Sister = Alice, Brother = Bill, Guy sharing apartment with Bill at college = Chuck, Alice’s best friend = Debbie
* It’s April of Alice’s senior year of high school. She’s been flirting with Chuck. She shows up at the apartment one night with a batch of home-made cookies for Chuck, but Chuck is out on a date. Bill tells Alice that his been stringing her along while pursing other girls more seriously. Alice is crushed. Bill has been trying to subtly warn her and he’s sorry that she’s hurt. Alice gives Bill the cookies, tells him he’s to not give any to Chuck and to eat them in front of him
* Bill calls Alice and tells him he had a lot of fun eating the cookies in front of Chuck. Chuck was really jealous. Bill thought Chuck was a dick for leading her own when he wasn’t that interested and was happy to serve justice on him. Alice loves hearing about how envious Chuck was of Bill eating the cookies
* Alice shows up later with another batch of cookies. She tells Bill to again eat them in front of Chuck. Then she gets embarrassed. Debbie came over unexpectedly while Alice was making the cookies and she asked all about them. Alice told her they were for a guy that Bill knows. Debbie made fun of her for making cookies for some college guy who cares nothing for her. Alice told Debbie that she’d get a kiss out of it. Debbie bet her that she wouldn’t. Would Bill please give her a kiss so she can win the bet? Bill goes to kiss her on the cheek but Alice insists on a kiss on the lips. Bill doesn’t see the harm and gives her oneLots of possible ways for the story to ramp up. Not sure what the attraction would be for Alice and Bill.
Later, I sent TM an expanded plot outline:
|I’ve got most of the details of the Alice and Bill story worked out in my head. The girl’s name is going to be Kate (after Kate Upton) and she’s going to look like Dani Daniels. Personality-wise, she’s a lot like Belle of “Beauty and the Beast” – pretty, bookish, shy around guys, well-endowed. That was her favorite movie as a little girl and the brother at some point says, “She watched it 43 million times.”
The brother’s name is going to be James. James goes to the University of Tennessee. His family leaves in Farragut, TN, which is a suburb of Knoxville (where UT is located). His dad writes mysteries set mostly in Nashville dealing with mostly country music. Have you read any Dick Francis novels? Basically like Dick Francis but nowhere near successful. Dad’s writing career is basically the family business. Mom runs the finances and does the marketing. Kate ghostwrites her dad’s blog.
Continuing on after the first kiss, Kate is pissed at Chuck for leading her on. She went on birth control because of him. Kate asks for an idea of how to get back at Chuck besides cookies. James suggests that Kate come sunbath at their apartment. Their mom is very conservative so Kate will use the excuse that she wants to sunbath in a suit that her mom would never let her wear. Kate agrees to it, but insists that James be there the whole time. Kate shows up on a Saturday while Chuck is gone but will soon be back. She goes into the bedroom and changes into her swim suit. When she comes out, James is floored. She’s wear a very revealing top and the bottom “looks like it was made from shoelaces”. Kate is all embarrassed and having second thoughts. She thinks her butt is too big. James assures her that she has a great butt. James sprays sunscreen on her backside for her. Kate lies out their apartment balcony while James studies in the kitchen. Chuck comes home, sees Kate on the balcony and goes nuts over her. Kate flirts with him, driving him even more nuts. Her top is undone and she’s careful to not show Chuck her tits. Chuck comes into the kitchen and raves about how hot Kate looks and how he regrets not asking her out. Kate eventually joins them, saying she’s caught enough sun and she’s concerned about burning. She shows them her ass and asks if its too pink. Chuck about loses it. After Kate leaves, James calls her on the phone and they laugh about what she did to Chuck. James tells Kate that Chuck is dying to see her tits.
Next day, Kate comes over to sun again. This time, when James is talking to her and Chuck is nearby, Kate “accidentally” turns and shows James her tits. James loudly says for Kate to stop showing him her tits. Chuck rushes over the balcony, too late.
There’s another cookie delivery. This time, the bet is that Kate will get a french kiss. James pushes back some but eventually they french kiss.
Then nothing further happens. Kate comes over to sun on the weekends, but there’s no escalation. Kate delivers some more cookies but no bets so no kisses. Kate graduates from high school.
Once she graduates, James and Dad leave to tour the country. Dad makes most of his money doing public speaking during the summer. Dad hates to fly and on long drives is easily distracted and becomes likely to have a wreck. James spends the next three months driving him around. It’s incredibly boring for James. The only bright spot of the summer is skyping with Kate. They skype for at least an hour each night. She’s the only person he talks to for that long. At some point, he says “You’re like my long-distance girlfriend for the summer.” She agrees he’s like her long-distance boyfriend. Later, Kate models for James the Belle-inspired bikini she bought.
The plan is that when James and Dad get home, the family goes to Disneyworld for a week and when they get back, Kate and James leave for UT. Kate is so looking forward to it as she hasn’t been to Disneyworld since she was nine. James is looking forward to spending time with Kate. A week before James and Dad were to come back home, Dad’s mom in Nashville falls and breaks a hip. Dad cuts the trip short to go see her. Mom says that she and Dad can’t go to Orlando – they have to stay in Nashville and take care of Grandma. Mom has to stay because Dad is useless when it comes to practical things like paying bills and taking care of pets.
Kate and James go to Disneyworld. First day in the park, Kate goes to the Bibbity-Bobbity-Boo shop and gets made up as Belle. She’s wearing a T-shirt dress that makes it look she’s wearing Belle’s yellow ball gown. When she’s done being made up, they starting walking around the Magic Kingdom. Kate says James is embarrassed to be seen with her looking like Belle. James says he’s not. She says he is. He takes her hand and says, “Would I hold hands with you if I was embarrassed to be seen with you?” They spend the rest of the day holding hands as they walk around the park. During the firework show, James hugs Kate from behind. Kate looks at him over her shoulder and says, “Do you like being my Disneyworld boyfriend?” James says he does and kisses her. When they get back to the room, they decide to watch “Beauty and the Beast”. They sing together the “Beauty and the Beast” duet. James puts his arm around her for the rest of the movie. When Belle and the Beast kiss after the Beast has transformed, James and Kate kiss. They kiss through the rest of the movie and the credits.
When the movie is over, James asks, “Would you like to sleep with your boyfriend tonight?” Kate says yes. James has no idea how far it’s going to go between them. When they get into his bedroom, Kate strips down to her panties. “You’ve seen my tits before.” James follows suit. They make out. James sucks on Kate’s tits. They make out some more. James asks, “Do you want to…?” Kate says, “I want you to be my first.” They fuck and then declare their love.
There’s an epilogue that briefly describes their week at Disneyworld, which they start calling “their honeymoon”. The epilogue ends as they are driving back to Tennessee. They have no idea how they are going to continue their relationship, but they want to continue to be lovers.
I let that story idea sit for a while. In the mean time, I started a story of a brother and two sisters set in Southern California. James is a character in that story, so I decided to rename the male character in this story to “Justin”, after Kate Upton’s husband Justin Verlander. I decide to change the porn star to model Kate on to Peta Jensen after watching this video. The singer Katy Perry (pre-blonde) were also an inspiration for Kate’s looks and as well as Belle from “Beauty and the Beast”.
After I while, I decided that I needed more than just a brief epilogue after Kate and Justin make love for the first time. By this time, I had decided that the central conflict of the story was that Kate was far more in love and committed to Justin than he was with her. So there was going to be two sex scenes – them having sex their first full day in the park and then again when they get home. Then I decided that Kate would be the type of person that enjoyed sex because it made Justin happy and wasn’t all that concerned about cumming herself. To demonstrate that, I added a third sex scene.
I sent the story out to beta-readers. All of them felt the kissing scenes were unrealistic. I changed the first kiss to be Kate giving Justin a surprise kiss on the lips, and then I used most of the material from the first kissing scene in the later scene where Kate explains why she kissed him. The French kissing scene got moved to just before Kate takes a shower on the first day at the Disney World parks. I had Travis and Brooklynne dating after spends the first night. Originally, Justin had to wrestle right away with them dating. Beta-readers pointed out that he’d likely find a new roommate in that case and I had to have Travis be his planned roommate.
TM provided a lot of other suggestions that I incorporated into the story:
* Kate’s first bikini was inspired by a picture he sent me. The picture was from here
* That Kate and Steph go to the prom together
* That Kate and Justin stop at a jewelry store on the way home from Orlando
* He said that Justin would be extremely angry with Travis after he spent his first night with Brooklynne. It was important that Justin and Travis stay roommates until the end, so to handle that, I came up with Justin unloading to Kate about how he’s too nice in order
* That Justin needs to work out in order to keep his weight down while eating so many cookies
* He sent me a picture of a woman doing the dishes while wearing just white panties (link) just before I wrote the second sex scene, so I had Kate load the dishwasher while wearing just white panties
* He asked that I mention that Magic Kingdom fireworks. I added that scene and I had this really romantic build up for Kate and Justin to say something to each other. But what could they say? They’ve already said, “I love you” lots of times. I asked him for a suggestion and he was of no help. I eventually came up with the idea of Kate and Justin watching some small children and then saying “Some day” to each other
* He noticed that Kate’s dreams did start coming true after the Fairy-Godmother-In-Training said, “May all your dreams and princess wishes come true.” I had Kate make the same observation
* That Justin should notice Kate’s boob bouncing around as she dries her hair after showering
* Kate saying “Then they’re yours” about her tits like The Beast says to Belle about his books
Minor stories about the story
* Kate’s second bikini is #10 from this web page
* Kate’s Belle bikini is an actual bikini (link)
* The dad originally had no name. But I wanted Kate to say in the final sex scene “Some day, I’ll be Mrs. Justin XXXXXX.” So I needed to give the dad a last name so that line would work. I picked Larson from the list of the top NASCAR drivers
* I watched lots of videos of Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique makeovers. One thing I’m still not sure on is should Kate get a yellow rose wand as part of the makeover. As it would get in the way for the rest of the day, I decided to ignore it
* For the first kiss break, I wanted a long description of Kate and Justin kissing and cuddling. I started looking around Pornhub for inspiration and found a brand of videos called Kissing HD which features two women kissing and making out. This one was the inspiration for Kate and Justin’s first kiss break and this one was the inspiration for the start of their last sex session.
What happens next?
Dad uses his new connections at the studio to get Justin a job there. Kate cuts way back on classes second semester and plans to go to college in California once Justin moves there. When the school year is done and they move to California, Kate and Justin tell their parents that they are lovers and plan to marry some day. Mom and Dad aren’t happy, but what can they do? In California, Justin and Kate tell everyone that they are newlyweds. They eventually do marry, have kids and live happily ever after.
What do I particularly like about this story?
I like so much about this story, it’s hard to pick a few things. There are a lot of lines in the story that I love – “I want to be your girlfriend with a capital ‘G’.” “I love you, my Belle.” “I’ll bake you all cookies” “You’re ‘My One’, forever.”
I liked creating a modern day version of a Disney Princess. I love Disney World and I enjoyed using it as a setting for the most significant part of the story. I liked creating the dad’s writing as a family business.
What do I think I might get grief about?
My first beta-reader didn’t like mixing sex with Disney. I hope that isn’t a response of many of my readers.
I could have gotten some minor detail about Disney World wrong. I can see people who really love Disney World wanting to leap in and correct me.
I’m sad to leave Brooklynne is such a rotten state. I’m a tiny bit tempted to write a sequel where she ditches Travis, but that would mean her wanting to get back together with Justin and Kate would run her over with her Honda before she’d let that happen.
What were the inspirations for the sex scenes?
I covered some of this already. Only the sex on the sofa was non-vanilla.
I’m looking for beta-readers
Tell me what you think of my stories before I publish them. I’m looking particularly for female ones. I promise to not hit on you – I just want your perspective